"Just Like Old Times..."

Listening to: Spiders - System of a Down

I'm sitting here, wondering why I haven't used this as a blog as much as all kind of shit has happened since Febuary 11th. So very much. I've been to Germany, stayed a month, I've turned 19. I've gotten a job, I've also had plenty of things happen since then... not including all those previously mentioned.

The thing that made me come back, and blog... is... Her.

She's in West Virginia, less than 20 miles from my house... greiving over a boyfriend whom I despise for the simple fact of her bruises... if nothing else. But there are other things. He's a drunk, and he lies to her, and he's doing the exact same thing to her that I unconciously tried to do when everything went sour.

He's, apparently, seeing someone he lusts for, but "cares" about her... Which is a gush of blood I have on my own hands, committed to her, unbeknownst to me. I feel so fucking horrible about it.

She didn't talk to me for forever, she was brainwashed by her mother, and repulsed by my secrecy. Since then, I've talked to her maybe 5 times in 1 1/2 years... Many many times I've thought of her and wished upon all my stars, all my dreams, and all my posessions that she'd come back.. to me.

Well she's come back... in the form of a darkened sun. She was once the fucking LIGHT on my day.. she was my love... and I honestly loved her with all I had... We never fought, we never had a disagreement... We were damn near made for each other... Until one day... I decided I wanted some pussy... which.. I wasn't getting from her... And its my own business why... But I got pussy-sick, and wanted to go somewhere else, rather than solving my own problem, and proceeding to strengthen the bond we had... I fucked up so royally, Its the only thing I truly regret...

Now, nearly two years later, she's back... but as I said, a piercing radiant moon. I got the fragile chance to hang out with her all freaking evening yesterday. Some 12-odd hours non-stop with her. It was intoxicating... It was .. breathtaking... and it was also paintakenly elating.

It was so ...... Dare I say.... Bitterlysweet. And she'll no doubt read this and say "wow..." or something to that effect...

But nevertheless... Inches from me, nearly the whole time.. and I couldn't touch her... taste her... And I dare not let her know how much I wanted to be with her for 5 more minutes... the whole time.

I got my wish.... somewhat... I feel as though this is either an INCREDIBLE tease and torture... or its an incredible chance at a fresh start.

Her mother hates me, and has hated me... But I know for a fact that nothing would make me happier than to be with her...

I've been lonely for months, little contact other than a quickie here, a quickie there.... Now she's amazingly back in my life... Rekindled as a small cry for help, and my kindness stabbing me in the heart.

I had to help her, and what spawned it was me.... and her... + her cousin Summer... hangin out shooting pool and riding around in my car for around 12 hours..

God it brang back memories.... good ones, bad ones.... ones I never remembered before... My mind was going 100 miles an hour the whole time.... I love her. Yet she speaks of Chris like she loves him, but regrets him... I know for a fact I was better than he is... And I feel she was genuinely happy with me as I was genuinely happy with her...

Chris used to tell me... "You two get together and instantly LIGHT the fuck up.... Even if you were having a bad day, sittin there poutin... she'd come over and you were like "Hey!!!"

It was obvious I guess.... God damn I saw her last night... and all day she's been the entirety of my thoughts, I would do anything to be with her again... .......for 5 more minutes.

And she has either 1 week here... or 1 full month here... she hasn't decided I don't suppose.. but... She's had my offer to hang out with me and Chris the whole time if she wishes... And while offering her that I couldn't help but beg to myself "Just like old times...."